Taming the Thorn: Leading Well When Someone is Always Against You

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." – Romans 12:18

Every pastor knows that person. The one who seems to resist every change, question every decision, and find fault with nearly everything you do. No matter how much you pray, plan, or pour into the church’s mission, they are there—arms crossed, ready with criticism, skeptical of your leadership, and slow to embrace anything new.

At times, it feels like they are more committed to opposing you than to the actual work of the church. Their negativity can be exhausting, discouraging, and even spiritually draining. If you’re honest, you’ve probably lost sleep over their latest complaint, felt the sting of their words, or even questioned whether you’re the right person to lead.

But what if this thorn in your side isn’t just an obstacle to endure—but an opportunity to grow? What if God is using this challenge to refine your leadership, deepen your resilience, and teach you how to shepherd even the hardest hearts?

This article isn’t about getting rid of your biggest critic—it’s about learning how to lead well despite them. Because the truth is, every leader will face opposition. The question is: will you let it break you, or will you learn how to tame the thorn and lead with wisdom, grace, and unwavering focus on the mission?

Let’s dive in.

Understanding the Thorn: Why Are They Always Against You?

With over four decades of experience leading congregations, I know how it feels to have that negative person thwart every effort to move the church forward. Most of the time, their resistance comes from one or more of these root causes:

• Fear of Change – "We've never done it like that before!" Sound familiar? Some folks resist out of fear rather than malice.

• Past Church Hurt – People carry wounds from past church experiences that make it hard for them to trust leadership.

• Power Struggles – Some feel their influence is being threatened and dig in their heels.

• Spiritual Warfare – The enemy loves to stir up division and resistance against kingdom work.

How to Lead Without Losing Your Cool

Respond Instead of Reacting

A wise pastor resists the temptation to fight back, lose their temper, or take criticism personally. What you see is the locomotive coming straight at you, but what’s in all the boxcars behind it? What’s really driving their resistance?

Years ago, a mentor of mine taught me a simple but powerful tool: Feel, Felt, Found. When faced with an upset church member, he would calmly say:

• “I know exactly how you feel.”

• “I’ve felt the same way before.”

• “And here’s what I found out…”

It’s amazing how disarming that approach can be. Sometimes, people just want to be heard. Give them that, and it might just soften their stance.

Stay Mission-Focused

Your job is to keep the church moving forward, not to win every argument. Don’t let one voice derail the church’s mission. As Karl Vaters wrote in De-sizing the Church, “Discipleship fixes everything.”

Build a Strong Leadership Team

A unified leadership team helps silence negativity. When your leaders are on board, it’s much harder for opposition to take root.

Keep Your Heart Soft

Bitterness only makes the problem worse. Always act out of love, even toward your most difficult critic.

When to Confront and When to Walk Away

Sometimes, leadership requires difficult conversations. Jesus Himself dealt with opposition—from the Pharisees to Judas within His own inner circle. He confronted when necessary, but He never lost sight of His mission.

If a critic is causing division, follow Matthew 18’s approach:

1. Private Conversation – Try to resolve it one-on-one.

2. Bring in a Mediator – If the problem persists, involve a neutral third party.

3. Know When to Release Them – Some people won’t change. If their negativity is poisoning the church, it may be time to let them go.

A Biblical Example: Paul and Alexander the Coppersmith

Paul faced many opponents, but one he specifically named was Alexander the Coppersmith: "Alexander the coppersmith did me great harm; the Lord will repay him according to his deeds." (2 Timothy 4:14). Paul didn't let Alexander's opposition consume him; he simply noted it, warned others, and moved forward in his mission.

Sometimes, the best way to deal with a thorn in your side is to acknowledge the challenge, entrust it to God, and keep pressing on.

The Unexpected Blessing

Criticism can be a gift—if we allow it to refine us. It sharpens our vision, strengthens our leadership, and provides an opportunity to show God’s grace in conflict.

Final Thoughts

Expect opposition, but don’t let it consume you. Jesus warned us that leadership comes with challenges. Stay focused, stay faithful, and lead with wisdom. The thorn in your side may never fully go away—but with God’s help, it doesn’t have to derail you.

Need Help Navigating Conflict in Your Church? I offer several hours of free consultation each month for pastors and church leaders. If you're struggling with difficult dynamics in your congregation, I’d love to help. Reach out to me at sam.peters@smallchurchcoaching.com or visit smallchurchcoaching.com for resources and support.

If this article encouraged you, please share it with other pastors and leaders who might need it. Join the conversation on Facebook at Leadership Edge for Smaller Churches or follow me on Facebook and X (@ItsTimeSam).

Let's keep leading well—thorns and all.