Leading with Grace: Overcoming Pride, Embracing Boundaries, and Finding True Strength in Self-Care

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. – Matthew 11:38-30 NIV

I didn’t grow up on the right side of the tracks. I wasn’t the smartest guy in my class, nor was I the best looking. As I approached adulthood, it didn’t seem like I had many advantages. But I made a commitment to myself—I couldn’t control everything, but I could control my work ethic and attitude. I decided that I would simply outwork most people.

That determination helped me achieve a certain level of success, more than my résumé might have suggested. As I stepped into leadership roles in both business and church, people would often say, “I don’t know how you do all you do.” My usual reply? “Sleep is highly overrated.”

Now that I’m older (I just turned 67 last week), I’m realizing that I can’t work as hard as I once did. Body aches and constant weariness are my new companions. Last week, my wife and I went on vacation with our oldest daughter and two grandchildren. Trying to keep up with an eight- and four-year-old left me collapsing into bed each night, exhausted.

So, why share this? Because I found myself beating myself up last week for not keeping up with my old standards. But as I spent time in prayer, God revealed something I hadn’t seen before—that my relentless work ethic had become an idol, rooted in pride. I had prided myself on being a workaholic.

In leadership, pride can be a subtle but destructive force. It can push us to ignore our limits, forget the value of rest, and overstep the healthy boundaries that keep us balanced. It can convince us that our worth is tied to our productivity rather than our character. As leaders, we must remember that we’re called to serve with humility, not to prove our worth through endless striving.

This journey has reminded me of the importance of setting appropriate boundaries and embracing the need for self-care—not as a sign of weakness, but as a way to stay healthy and effective in our calling. True leadership isn’t about being invincible; it’s about knowing when to step back, to rest, and to lean into God’s strength rather than our own. It’s about recognizing that sometimes, the bravest thing we can do is admit our limitations and allow God to shape our hearts for service.

The Danger of Pride in Leadership

When you’re in a position of leadership, it’s easy to start believing your own press. People praise you for the great sermon you preached or express how moved they are by your vision. They turn to you for direction and inspiration. When the church begins to grow and lives are being transformed, it’s tempting to think, even subconsciously, that this success is happening because of you. You start to believe that your talents, your hard work, and your leadership are the driving forces behind it all.

With this belief comes a new kind of pressure—the need to maintain the momentum. So, we work harder. We stay up later. We make our families and personal health a secondary priority, telling ourselves that we’ll slow down after the next big push, the next project, or the next event. We promise that we’ll make up for lost time later, but somehow, “later” never arrives. Without realizing it, our focus shifts. Instead of relying on God’s strength and guidance, we become more dependent on our own efforts and abilities.

This mindset doesn’t just affect us personally—it changes how we lead. We begin to think that without us, nothing will happen. Our role feels indispensable, and we see ourselves as the linchpin holding everything together. This can lead to a host of other dangers that undermine healthy leadership:

• Isolation from the Team: As pride takes hold, we may start to exclude other team members from key decisions. We convince ourselves that we know best, and we stop listening to the wisdom and insights of those around us. This can create an atmosphere where team members feel undervalued and unheard, stifling collaboration and creativity.

• Strained Relationships: The demands of maintaining our image of competence and success can take a toll on personal relationships. We become less present with our loved ones, distracted by the constant need to prove ourselves. Over time, our relationships suffer because we’re too focused on sustaining our leadership persona to invest in those closest to us.

• Burnout and Exhaustion: Pride drives us to push beyond healthy limits, leading to physical exhaustion and emotional burnout. When we rely on ourselves instead of resting in God’s strength, we carry a burden that we were never meant to bear alone. The constant striving can deplete our energy and enthusiasm, turning what once felt like a calling into a draining obligation.

• Spiritual Drift: Perhaps the most dangerous effect of pride is how it pulls us away from our dependence on God. As we focus more on our achievements, we forget the One who enabled them in the first place. Our prayer life becomes shallow, our time in Scripture becomes sporadic, and our sense of God’s presence fades. We might still talk about God’s work, but in reality, we’re relying more on our own strength than on His.

The problem with pride is that it’s often invisible until it’s already caused significant damage. It starts subtly—just a little more emphasis on our role, a bit more effort to maintain control—but those small shifts can eventually leave us isolated, exhausted, and far from the true heart of leadership. If left unchecked, pride can undermine not only our effectiveness as leaders but also our relationships, spiritual health, and the joy we once found in serving.

One well-known example is a megachurch pastor who was abruptly dismissed from the church he founded after succumbing to the very traps I’ve described. This was a pastor I had admired and followed closely for some time. He openly acknowledged how pride led to his downfall and began a difficult journey of healing and recovery.

But his story is far from unique. It seems that every few months, there’s another headline about a prominent pastor who has stumbled, brought down by the subtle yet corrosive effects of pride. And it’s not just a megachurch issue. Many of the small church pastors I interact with have shared their own struggles with pride and the ways it nearly derailed their ministries.

Solomon’s wisdom still rings true:

“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” – Proverbs 16:18 (NKJV)

Serving with Humility

Humility is often misunderstood as a weakness or a lack of confidence, but true humility in leadership is a strength. It’s about recognizing that leadership is not about us—our abilities, our influence, or our accolades. Instead, it’s about using our position to push others up, to serve, and to build a culture where every person’s contributions matter.

At its core, humility is the acknowledgment that we don’t have all the answers and that we aren’t indispensable. It’s a mindset that keeps us open to learning and aware of our need for others. Humility shifts our focus from seeking recognition to seeking the good of those we lead. This shift can be transformative—not only for the leader but also for the entire team.

In a humble leader, you see a willingness to put the team’s success above personal glory. They remember the mission of the church trumps every other agenda. They lead by listening more than they speak, understanding that empathy is a powerful tool in fostering trust and connection. Humility in leadership values the contributions of others, understanding that each person brings something unique to the table. It’s the difference between a leader who commands respect and a leader who earns it through genuine care and service.

How do we cultivate humility in our leadership? While humility might come naturally to some, it is a quality that can be developed and refined over time. Here are some practical ways to cultivate humility in leadership:

• Embracing Feedback from Others: Humility starts with the willingness to hear hard truths. It means being open to feedback, not just from peers or superiors, but from those you lead as well. It’s recognizing that their perspectives can shine a light on blind spots you may not see. A humble leader regularly asks, “How can I do better?” and listens to the answers without defensiveness. Notable Christian author and social media commentator Carey Nieuwhof suggests we ask the question “What is it like to be on the other side of me?” This openness not only helps the leader grow but also builds a culture of trust and transparency.

• Seeking Out Mentors and Accountability Partners: This practice has helped me tremendously. Humility thrives in community. Finding trusted mentors or accountability partners who can speak honestly into your life is crucial. These are the people who can point out when pride might be creeping in, who will challenge you to align your actions with your values, and who will remind you of the bigger picture. Mentorship isn’t just about learning skills; it’s about learning perspective, and a humble leader is always looking for opportunities to grow.

• Examples of Servant-Leadership in Action: This is an area I could write an entire article on. Humble leaders put their teams first, often in small but significant ways. This could mean sharing the credit for a job well done, even when you had a big part in it, or rolling up your sleeves to help with a task that’s outside your official role. It’s seen when a leader makes time to listen to a team member’s concerns, even when they have a busy schedule, or when they focus on creating an environment where others can thrive. Servant-leadership isn’t just a philosophy; it’s a daily practice of putting others before yourself and finding fulfillment in their success.

For example, think of a leader who, instead of seeking the spotlight, shines it on their team’s achievements. They might take time to publicly praise the quiet contributions of a team member who often goes unnoticed. Or they might step back from a high-profile opportunity to give a younger leader the chance to grow. These acts of humility speak volumes—they show that the leader’s priority isn’t self-promotion but the growth and well-being of those around them.

Humility in leadership doesn’t mean thinking less of yourself; it means thinking of yourself less. It’s about knowing that your value doesn’t come from being in the spotlight, but from the impact you have on those you serve. It’s a leadership style that may seem counterintuitive in a world that prizes self-promotion, but it is deeply effective. When leaders serve with humility, they foster an environment where trust, respect, and collaboration can flourish, ultimately leading to stronger, more resilient teams.

Setting Boundaries for Healthy Leadership

While humility allows us to serve others genuinely and prioritize their well-being, it doesn’t mean sacrificing our own health and sanity. True humility also involves recognizing our limits and acknowledging that we can’t do everything ourselves. This is where the need for setting boundaries comes in. Healthy leadership requires understanding that taking on too much can lead to burnout, not only for ourselves but for those around us. Boundaries help us maintain the energy, clarity, and perspective necessary to lead well. They enable us to balance serving others with the self-care required to sustain our leadership for the long haul.

Why Boundaries Matter

Boundaries help leaders manage the delicate balance between their professional responsibilities, family commitments, and personal time. Without clear boundaries, the demands of leadership can easily spill over into every aspect of life, leaving little room for rest, relationships, or personal growth. When leaders blur the line between work and personal time, they risk sacrificing quality moments with loved ones and missing out on the activities that fuel their spirit. By establishing boundaries, leaders create space for both meaningful work and the relationships that sustain them, ensuring that no area is neglected.

Without healthy boundaries, leaders often push themselves to exhaustion, mistakenly equating busyness with productivity. This can lead to burnout—a state of physical, emotional, and mental fatigue that drains enthusiasm and creativity. I keep reading studies about the impact burnout is having on pastors in our current culture. Over time, constantly being “on” can also breed resentment toward the very roles and responsibilities leaders once felt called to. Leaders might find themselves feeling unappreciated or overwhelmed, struggling to find joy in their work. Boundaries serve as a safeguard, helping leaders maintain their energy and enthusiasm by ensuring that they have time to recharge and reflect, ultimately making them more effective and passionate about their mission.

For many leaders, saying “no” can feel like a failure or missed opportunity, especially when they’re eager to help and make an impact. Yet, learning to say “no” is one of the most important skills for long-term leadership. It’s a recognition that taking on too much can dilute the quality of their contributions and compromise their well-being. My wife was constantly reminding me that it was Okay to say “No” to some things or to at least delegate it to someone else. By saying “no” to certain requests, leaders make space for the opportunities and responsibilities that align more closely with their vision and values. It allows them to focus on what matters most, rather than being pulled in a hundred directions. In many ways, a thoughtful “no” is a powerful way to honor both your calling and the people you serve.

As I just mentioned, one of the most effective ways to set boundaries is to delegate tasks to others. Delegation allows leaders to focus on their strengths and invest time in strategic decision-making rather than being bogged down in every detail. It’s not just about offloading tasks—it’s about empowering others to grow in their roles, trusting their abilities, and fostering a culture of shared responsibility. This shift helps prevent leaders from feeling like everything depends on them and encourages a more collaborative and engaged team environment. Leaders who delegate well can avoid the trap of micromanagement and create a team that thrives together.

A huge part of setting boundaries is establishing a clear schedule of when you work and when you rest. And you need people to hold you accountable to keeping those schedules. I say this as one who is a recovering workaholic.

Establishing a rhythm of work and rest is critical for long-term effectiveness. This means setting defined work hours and honoring those boundaries, even when the temptation arises to check just one more email or attend one more meeting. A clear schedule not only helps leaders protect their personal time but also sets expectations for those they serve, modeling the importance of a healthy work-life balance. Leaders should be intentional about scheduling time for hobbies, family activities, and rest—just as they would schedule a meeting or a project deadline. My wife and I intentionally set aside Tuesdays as “Date Night” every week. We informed the church that we would be unavailable on Tuesday nights. By treating personal time as non-negotiable, leaders can ensure they have the energy and focus needed to give their best to their work.

Keeping the Sabbath was not a suggestion. The concept of a Sabbath—a day set apart for rest—goes beyond just physical recuperation. It’s a spiritual discipline that reminds leaders of their dependence on God, rather than on their own efforts. A Sabbath or regular rest day allows leaders to step back, reflect, and reconnect with their faith, providing space for prayer, gratitude, and renewal. It’s an intentional pause that acknowledges that their worth is not defined by productivity. Beyond the spiritual benefits, rest days are crucial for mental and physical well-being. Regular breaks help to prevent the wear and tear of constant work, reducing stress levels and providing clarity of mind. For leaders, this means coming back to their responsibilities with a renewed sense of purpose and creativity.

Self Care

Establishing healthy boundaries is a critical part of sustainable leadership, but it’s only one piece of the puzzle. To lead well over the long haul, leaders must also recognize the importance of self-care. Just as we cannot pour from an empty cup, we cannot effectively serve others if we’re running on empty ourselves. Self-care goes beyond simply taking time off; it’s about intentionally nurturing our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. When leaders prioritize self-care, they not only set an example for their team but also ensure that they have the resilience and strength to navigate the challenges of leadership.

For many leaders, self-care can feel like a luxury or even a selfish indulgence. There’s often a sense that focusing on our own needs takes time away from serving others. But in reality, self-care is not only necessary—it’s a foundational part of sustainable leadership. Just as athletes must rest and recover to perform at their best, leaders need time to recharge to be effective. Without it, burnout, exhaustion, and diminished effectiveness become real risks. Self-care ensures that leaders have the energy, creativity, and emotional resilience needed to face challenges and lead with clarity. By taking care of themselves, leaders ultimately give their best to those they serve, rather than running on empty.

Self-care encompasses more than just physical well-being; it involves nurturing the whole self—body, mind, and spirit. Physical health, such as getting regular exercise, eating well, and getting enough sleep, gives leaders the stamina to navigate long days and stressful seasons. Mental rest—taking breaks, unplugging from work, and engaging in hobbies—helps to clear the mind, fostering greater focus and creativity when returning to tasks. Spiritual renewal, whether through prayer, meditation, or time spent in nature, reconnects leaders to their purpose and values, providing a sense of grounding and perspective. Together, these aspects of self-care enable leaders to remain strong, centered, and capable of guiding others over the long haul.

I spent nearly 40 years in bi-vocational ministry before I took my first ever sabbatical.  It was something that I had to be forced to do by my District Superintendent. That experience and other times focused on self-care has taught me that embracing rest isn’t just about physical recovery—it’s about creating space for deeper connection with God. It’s in those quiet moments, away from the noise and demands of leadership, that I’ve found a clearer sense of direction and renewed passion for my calling. Pausing for reflection and prayer has often provided insights that I wouldn’t have gained while buried in the busyness of everyday responsibilities. Rest allows us to step back and see the bigger picture, reminding us that it’s not all up to us and that we can trust God’s timing and guidance.

Simple things like taking a walk outside or enjoying a quiet cup of coffee with no electronic devices in front of my face can be surprisingly refreshing. Setting aside time for my hobbies in the wood shop or studio, or just listening to my favorite music has helped me unwind after a stressful day. I already mentioned our weekly Date Night, but scheduling intentional time to be with my family, or taking a weekend getaway or just watching a movie with my wife helps recharge the batteries in a way nothing at church can. These small acts of self-care are not time wasted; they are investments in my well-being and my capacity to lead effectively.

Find Their Own Rhythms of Rest and Renewal

Every leader is unique, and so are the rhythms of rest and renewal that will work best for them. Some may find refreshment in solitude, while others recharge through social activities or creative outlets. The key is to find what truly restores your energy and joy—and to make it a regular part of your life. Give yourself permission to rest without guilt, knowing that it’s a crucial part of being the best leader you can be. When we embrace self-care as a discipline rather than a reward, we not only improve our own health but also set an example for those around us, showing that caring for ourselves is a vital part of serving others well.

Letting Go of Pride

As leaders, it’s easy to find ourselves striving for approval, recognition, and a sense of accomplishment. These desires, when unchecked, can lead us down a path where pride becomes an idol—something we depend on for validation rather than relying on the deeper, lasting affirmation that comes from God. But there’s a freedom that comes when we choose to let go of pride and embrace a new perspective on leadership—one rooted in humility and a sense of purpose that is not tied to worldly success.

Letting go of pride means releasing the burden of constantly needing to prove ourselves. When pride drives us, we often impose unrealistic expectations on ourselves, believing that we must always be the smartest, the hardest-working, or the most inspiring presence in the room. This pressure to perform can create a never-ending cycle of anxiety and self-doubt. But when we embrace humility, we find the freedom to accept our limitations, to lean on the strengths of others, and to recognize that we are not solely responsible for every outcome. Humility allows us to trust in God’s strength rather than our own, understanding that it’s not about how much we can accomplish but how faithfully we can serve.

When pride becomes our motivator, we become addicted to the rush of achievement, constantly seeking the next milestone or accolade. But these fleeting moments of recognition can never fully satisfy the deeper longing in our hearts. True fulfillment comes when we shift our focus from seeking the approval of others to resting in the knowledge that we are already accepted by God. Embracing this truth transforms our approach to leadership, allowing us to serve from a place of security rather than striving. It helps us to find joy in the process rather than being fixated on outcomes, and it deepens our trust in God’s timing and plan for our lives. Letting go of pride opens the door to a more peaceful and sustainable way of leading.

Every leader, at some point, faces the temptation to let pride take root. Recognizing this tendency is the first step toward change. Leaders who are willing to honestly reflect on their motivations and behaviors can identify areas where pride may have led them astray. It might show up in an inability to delegate, a reluctance to rest, or a constant need for validation from others. Ask yourself, “Where have I been relying more on my own strength than on God’s?”

You don’t live on an island

Transformation often begins with a conversation. Leaders can model vulnerability by sharing their own struggles with pride, overwork, and the challenges of finding balance. This transparency can create a safe environment for others to share their experiences and struggles as well. One practical tip is to set aside time during team meetings for open discussions about the pressures of leadership and the importance of self-care. Questions like, “How do we encourage one another to rest?” or “How can we share responsibilities more effectively?” can lead to deeper conversations about building a culture that values both humility and well-being. By fostering an atmosphere where these topics are discussed openly, leaders can help their teams find a healthier approach to serving together.

There is Hope for the Weary

Choosing a path of humility and balance is not always easy, but it holds the promise of a richer, more fulfilling leadership experience. Leaders who take this journey often find that they are more attuned to God’s leading, more empathetic toward their teams, and more resilient in the face of challenges. It’s a shift from leading out of obligation or fear of failure to leading from a place of purpose and peace. When leaders prioritize humility, they create space for God to work through them in ways they couldn’t have imagined. They become less focused on their own success and more on the success of others, which in turn creates a ripple effect that benefits their entire community.

For those willing to embark on this journey, there is hope that they will not only become more effective leaders but also more grounded, joyful, and present in every aspect of their lives. Embracing a new perspective on leadership means discovering that our greatest influence comes not from our own strength, but from our willingness to walk humbly and trust in a strength beyond ourselves.

A Journey Worth Taking

Leadership is a challenging road, one that requires humility, boundaries, and a commitment to self-care. When pride starts to take hold, it can lead to exhaustion, isolation, and a loss of connection with the very heart of our calling. But by embracing humility, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritizing self-care, we can lead with greater authenticity, effectiveness, and joy.

If you’re a pastor or leader feeling the weight of these challenges, know that you don’t have to walk this path alone. I’m here to offer support, mentorship, and practical guidance for those seeking to renew their leadership and rediscover their passion for ministry. Reach out if you’re looking for a coach to help you navigate this season and emerge stronger on the other side. Send me a an email at sam.peters@smallchurchcoaching.com if you need some help with taking next steps toward self-care and boundary setting.

May the God who sees your labor and knows your heart guide you with wisdom and grace. May He free you from the weight of pride and replace it with a spirit of humility. May He teach you to set healthy boundaries that protect your mind, body, and spirit. May He renew you with the rest you need and the joy that comes from serving Him wholeheartedly. And may you find peace in knowing that you are loved and valued, not for what you do, but for who you are in Christ. Amen.